I blogged for years. Once upon a time I wrote at least a post or two a week. In all the time I tried to blog, tried to promote and network, I think my most popular blog post *might* have gotten fifty hits in a day. Maybe.
I did meet a few people through it, some of whom are still friends, and that matters. But I suppose deep down I had visions of it leading to “making it” in some way, of being recruited to something bigger, of finding my voice, of helping people somehow. It didn’t work that way. I never quite found my Big Purpose. I never made it into any inner circles. I always felt like I was the awkward kid people are nice to sometimes, but who never quite fits in: isn’t quite smart enough or strong enough or attractive enough or well-off enough to run with the successful crowd.
And then one day I wasn’t a kid, not even a little bit, and I felt more and more pathetic and irrelevant for continuing to try to accomplish…something, while there are other more talented, much more confident people in the same space. And I stopped trying. Told myself it was just for awhile, that soon I’d feel better and jump in again. I don’t know if that’s really going to happen. And maybe it’s not meant to.
Meanwhile, my cats have come to have more than 10k Instagram followers. They get shout-outs. They get fan art. I’m not sure how to feel about that! It cracks me up. They are way more popular than I’ve ever been. Granted, they’re cuter, but still.
Anyway, I’m not sure how to get back a measure of confidence to start blogging again. Or what my goal should even be. I mean, I am a thing of easy ridicule: a 40-something-year-old perpetually-single woman with multiple cats and a Catholic habit. (I mean, not like a *nun* habit habit, but you know.) I am not an inspiring figure. I can’t advise. I don’t have cute kid stories, or “what my darling husband got for me today” stories or “Diseases I Have Fought and Won” stories or “How I Became Rich and Famous on Less Than a Dollar a Day” stories.
But I may give this thing one more try, even if it’s just me shouting into the void, just to sort my thoughts out. And who knows, I guess, maybe there is at least one other 40-something-year-old perpetually-single woman with multiple cats and a Catholic habit who might stumble across me and be grateful she isn’t entirely alone in this world? Ya never know.
Picture of Timo, because awwwww.